America Is In A Bad Marriage
American exceptionalism is keeping us from looking at the reality that we can't compromise our way through this with Trumpers.
I'm watching as my feeds blow up with left-leaning Americans breaking up with their family and friends who love Trump. Many have spent 8 years pleading with their Trump loving family and friends to care and are realizing it has gone nowhere.
“Can we be friends across party lines?”¹ is a question many people have found the answer to, even if it is a very bitter pill to swallow.
A lot of them are making plans to flee their state to protect themselves or their queer family members. They are past the point of begging their Trump neighbors to love them back!
Many of the Trump people in their life are “more dug in, more pro-authoritarian, more excited for Trump to inflict pain on anyone who opposes him.” ²
The other half of my feed is filled with Americans -not ready for that conversation yet, but instead are still trying to figure out where we went wrong as the group that was opposing all of this.
I will just say it upfront, I'm not going to be engaged in blaming the Black Asian woman for what has gone wrong with America.
You do you!
Black women spoke with their ballot, 92% for Harris³, I trust their thoughts, even if they are “not a monolith.” I encourage you to listen to Janice Lagata on why she thinks that expression should be reconsidered.⁴ Black solidarity is not a problem, it's collective wisdom.
Trevor Noah put it like this: “I'll tell you now, do yourself a favor. You truly want to know what to do or how to do it, or maybe the best way or the most equitable way, talk to Black women.
“I think Black women as a collective have shown us many things, not just in America but all over the world.
“You know what I meant by that statement was, there is very seldom a political system that's running badly that doesn't impact Black women the worst, and so if you ask Black women as a collective, as voters, what do you think should be done, whatever they do, whatever they choose will inadvertently benefit everybody else, you know.
“…it's a gift and a curse, the curse is that Black women bear the brunt of all bad decisions, you know, Black women, whether it's economical, whether it’s political, they don't have a chance to mess around with the vote. They don't have a chance to have a protest vote… So, I think Black women see their country with a clarity that most people cannot afford to at times, and so that's what I mean by that” ⁵
I voted for the first time as an American in alignment with them. They sent a solid message and I trust their perspective more than any other groups! If you think you know better, you do you.
The question I'm trying to figure out about those who don't like Trump is when will we be ready to stop trying to pin this on those who don't like Trump and didn't vote for him and instead acknowledge how much of the country loves what he has to offer.
Take all the time you need with that statement.
They LOVE IT!!!
I know it's hard to admit that to ourselves.
These are our friends and family. We were taught to be bridge builders. To figure out a way through. We have identified as progressive because divisive rhetoric wasn't our jam. We have been doing the “it's not you, it's me” thing for a long while, looking to ourselves and our positions. Seeing what we could tweak or water down. Wracking our brains with what else we could possibly do to create a connecting point.
I was in a bad marriage for years and I spun my wheels trying to work on the only part I had control over for a long time: me!
I stayed because I didn't want to part ways and admit the relationship was irreconcilable. I didn't want to sound arrogant and say they were the problem. I wanted to be at peace. So I ignored the reality that this wasn't possible.
I wasted 20 years of my time because I didn't want to admit there was no fix, no compromise that didn't involve harming myself. How much time do you have to waste?
It's easier to blame yourself.
“Maybe if I prayed more, submitted more, changed something about me this could become a safe and secure and healthy relationship,” but that's not how any of that works!!
“Maybe if Kamala” this, that or the other thing, I recognize the thought pattern. “Maybe if Democrats just” blah blah blah... fill in the blank trying to make ourselves more palatable to the other side while we cut off and keep chipping away at our core self and values!
Lots of people are in a bad relationship with their Trump-loving Americans, and it's hard to see that. They would rather those of us who don't like Trump get angry at ourselves or do like Trumpers last time and say the election was stolen than come to terms with *who* our Trump-loving neighbors are.
I know looking at how many support Trump and all he stands for —that's a bigger problem to tackle than just having the perfect democrat in place. But until Americans take a hard look at the racism and sexism that is deeply ingrained... until we give up on American exceptionalism that always assumes “This is not us! We are better than that!” We are screwed. I don't have nicer language for it. I'm sorry.
America was built on stolen indigenous land and run by wealthy white men who were enslaving Black people. This is our history. We need to stop imagining a different reality was at our beginning.
This doesn't mean we shouldn't envision a better America for the future but it starts with admitting how things started and just as importantly, how that ties into exactly where we find ourselves today.
We need to look at the reality of today to change the future.
Those of us who want change can discuss where we need to improve, I'm not saying we shouldn't. We absolutely should evaluate. But never at the expense of ignoring the glaringly obvious racism, sexism and classism that undergirds ‘the now’.
I keep thinking of a question a friend asked about why people who speak out against gun violence (school shootings) don't mention Palestinians and their genocide...
I think the answer is in the question. If you would sacrifice your own kids how are you going to care about anyone elses?
Some are speaking out about the issues that impact them first because it's hard to expect to garner care for kids abroad if the ones in your own country are being sacrificed.
If you hate yourself, if you, as a white woman would vote as a majority against your own bodily autonomy, how are you going to ever love your neighbor?
We can only change ourselves. Yes, that much is still true and I was not entirely off base with that when evaluating my bad marriage. It's also true that sometimes change looks like parting ways.
It looks like learning for the first time to love ourselves and be surrounded by those who can do that well! It looks like letting go of those who can't— those who have shown us they won't, and building community instead with those who are not willing to harm those they love.
My thoughts. Take them with a grain of salt. I didn't grow up with a lot of these “America is the greatest” ideas.
As a dual citizen American/Canadian who grew up in Canada, I've always had free healthcare, some of the best paid maternity leave in the world and never had the rights, to make my own decisions about my body, threatened to be taken away. So my frame of reference may not reflect the people who think Trump is their savior or those who think a compromise with them is still the answer!
- Gail M.
¹Lindsay @bhamprogressive on Instagram dissecting why she can't be friends anymore. https://www.instagram.com/reel/DA9mv3HJre3/?igsh=ZWdkOGlsdzZjdXVy
² quote by Zach Malm, Veterans of Culture Wars podcast host. He helped take down Mark Driscoll’s Mars Hill mega church.
³ NBC exit poll data, may change by a very small amount as data is still being updated https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/2024-elections/exit-polls
⁴ Janice Lagata https://www.patreon.com/posts/115640092?utm_campaign=postshare_fan&utm_content=android_share
⁵ABC The View 10/9/2024 https://www.instagram.com/reel/DA9E71NRVVq/?igsh=MWlud3FrZ3U3bWRzbw==